exorcism

Exorcism

My neighbor is a very religious man who sees the hand of God and providence in everything. He is convinced that the Godly thrive and the wicked are punished. He often has several anecdotes to back up his claim. I often see him in the mornings when I am running with my dog.

“Look at the palm tress”. He told me.

I obediently looked. Two trees looked decapitated. They were bald.

“Whatever happened to their fronds?”

“Aha,” he said, “they have been struck by lightening. By the grace of God my house was spared”.

I thought so too. Now I knew why my tube light had burst in the night. He  went into his house and switched on the television. He soon came charging out again. “My TV has been struck by lightening”. I went to have a look. The TV was not working and the wall behind it was also lightly discoloured.

“I knew television was the work of the devil” he proclaimed sadly, “that is why it became attracted to lightening.”

He was standing outside his gate one evening admiring the sunset. The lady from the opposite house was picking jasmine flowers from her bush. Two youngsters whisked past on a motorcycle. One of them snatched her chain. The lady screeched at the top of her voice. My friend, who is quite old, could not give chase, so he noted down the registration number of the bike.

Suddenly the lady’s wailing changed to hysterical laughter.

“What happened?” he asked.

“When they snatched my chain it broke. The gold part has fallen into my clothes. They only managed to get the yellow string----“.

Since he had noted the bike number, he decided to report it to the police station. There is an emergency number , it is either 100 or 101 but you are lucky to get a response. After a few rings the police station answered, but did not seem inclined to pursue the chain snatcher since technically the chain had not been snatched!

One day he actually ran behind me on the road. I stopped because he was panting, out of breath and had enlarged pulsating blood vessels popping out on his forehead.

“You need to come and look at my house. There is blood everywhere”.

I accompanied him and found blotches of blood near the doors and on his car. There was a large pool near the gate.

“What so you think?” He asked.

(I stay up late watching television serials if I can’t sleep. My favorites are CSI, LA Law and re-runs of the X-files).

“I think some one has been stabbed.” I became enthusiastic.

We looked all around for a body. There wasn’t any corpse or body parts so I suggested, ‘’I think you should call the police.”

“Last time they weren’t interested.” He protested.

“But, this time”, I said “you actually have blood!”

He dialed the number again. After fifteen minutes some one came on the line. “You are the same number that called yesterday! What is it now?”

My friend quietly disconnected and decided to foray to the police station. He asked me (and my dog) to stay and guard the crime scene.

After half an hour he returned with a sub-inspector in tow. He walked all around the house, inspected all  the blood splatters and found an mangled chicken.

“This ,” he said looking at both of us accusingly, ‘Is where the blood came from.”

We both eyed the dead bird with consternation.

“Where did the chicken come from?” asked my friend.

The cop leaned forward and said, “It is black magic. Your house is at the corner so someone is hexing you!”

The cop left. My friend was visibly shaken.

“What  do I do now?” He was afraid to enter the house. “The devil is out to get me.”

“Don’t worry “ I said, “Let us exorcise the house.”

“Do you know how?”
“Oh yes “ I said confidently, “ I had a problem a year ago. (I neglected to tell him that I thought my intruder  was an alien from another planet trapped in this dimension.) There are instructions on Google.”

He and I walked around the house reciting appropriate verses  from our Holy Book. For good measure we put signs on the windows and doors.

“There ,” I said ,”You are safe.”

He seemed visibly calmer and I went off to work.

The next morning I decided to run earlier than usual. Otherwise, there seemed no end to the lengthy interruptions to my schedule.

I heard a lot of blood curdling sounds, yowling and yelping. I ran towards it.

A man down the road had a few chickens in a coop. They had escaped, and were being chased over the wall to my friend’s house by a pack of country dogs. The dogs leapt up agilely after them decapitated one  and mangled another  to shreds. Blood spurted everywhere----.