weight loss

One of my patients was really happy around 25 years ago, when his parents after searching high and low, far and wide, found him a "suitable girl." He showed me her photograph. She looked like a little pumpkin balanced on two drumsticks with a small potato head.
"Very nice ," I said politely.
Despite her weight, they had no problem procreating, and she rapidly produced two children.
The problem was her was that her weight crept up with every pregnancy. She started her married life at 4 ft 11 inches and 78 kilos . Every year she increased by 2 kilos. This is not really much, but, finally, 25 years later she was 108 kilos.
She did not walk, she rolled along with under her voluminous garments like she had wheels.
"You need to lose weight," I said.
"Yes," said her husband enthusiastically. "The bed moves when she turns at night. I can't sleep."
She was not so convinced. "I am not so fat am I?"
I gave her a diet to follow and exercise.
A month later they were back. She had put on another 2 kilos.
"What happened to my diet and exercise?"I asked.
Arguments and counterarguments ensued.
"He won't walk  with me! How can I walk alone?"
I didn't really see why not. So I suggested a figure of 8 walking on the terrace.
"She won't get up," he said. "She walks slowly. I bump into her on the terrace."
"I will walk if you buy a treadmill and place it in front of the television."
He spend 50000 and bought her a state of the art treadmill.
They were back a month later. She was now 112 kilos.
He shouted, "she doesn't use the treadmill to walk. She dries  the clothes on it. She is too lazy to even walk to the terrace."
What happened to all the love?
"I could have bought a rope to dry clothes for 200," he shouted angrily.
We seemed to have reached an impasse.
"You have to motivate her," I told him.
They turned up a month later. She had lost 4 kilos.
"Fantastic, " I said,"how did this miracle occur?"
She simpered, "He promised me a sovereign of gold for every kilo. I am planning to lose 10 kilos."
They turned up a month later. She had a heavy chain around her neck and a pendant like a saucer. She was beaming.
"Doctor, today I am going to celebrate by eating a samosa."
"I don't think it is a good idea," I said.
I saw them in the supermarket four months later. She looked plumper than ever. The chain was missing.
"Where is your chain?" I asked.
"I put on all the weight and 2 kilos extra. He took the chain and returned it to the shop-----"
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making a tv serial

The owner of a local TV channel had been talking about making a serial for the last few months. It was going to be low budget production. He was going to act in it, one of his brothers was going to be the cameraman and the other was in charge of lighting. He was hoping to rake in money with the advertising revenue.
The story?
All about the travails of love in the time of the Coronavirus.
There was just a small hitch. Vellore is a small and conservative town. He was just unable to get two women to star as the Corona lovers.
"I wish this was Chennai! I would have been inundated with girls wanting to star in the serial. They might even have paid me!"
"Do you want them to pay  you for the privilege of acting?" I asked puzzled.
"That was my original idea." He said, "but now I am willing to pay them".
He finally found a young and pretty girl. Her diction was not too good. Her facial expressions left a great deal to the imagination. Other than contorting her face for anger, laughter and tears the same way she seemed to have no expressions. She also had a lag period.  After delivering the lines deadpan she changed her expression. Still, something was better than nothing.
Halfway through the first practice, her father turned up.
"She can't act on TV."
"But I want to be an actress," protested the potential heroine.
"You can't,' said the father " I am trying to arrange a marriage for you. How will it look if you are in love with someone else?"
The director protested, "she is not in love with anyone. It is acting."
He pulled her out of the room. She was barely able to collect her belongings.
The next girl was really good. She looked seductive and rolled her eyes and pouted her lips.
Halfway through the shoot a thin bespectacled man entered. He even had a concave chest.
"Come home immediately," he shouted, at the girl. "How dare you?" He turned angrily to the director. "She can act only if I am the hero."
The entire suspenseful romantic storyline was fast deteriorating into  a farce. He was not hero material. He looked like a wimpy nerd.
Then a middle-aged man turned up.
"We are not auditioning for the male roles," said the director.
"I am not here for the role. I am from XXX matrimonial site. This will be very good exposure for potential young men,."
"I want a woman," said the director, "it is a female role."
"I can't do anything," said the man," None of the girls who have registered want to act."
Just as the director was getting desperate,
Another woman turned up for the role. She was older and chubby.
" I have two children, " she said."I love to act"
She stroked the director's arm. He jumped back two feet.
Maybe with lighting and makeup, they could make her look the part?
"Perhaps your husband would like to come and watch?" asked the director hopefully, staying well out of reach.
"Oh no," She said "I am free because he is stuck in Noida. He doesn't like all this".  She rolled her eyes upward, "Thank you  Coronavirus!"

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saturday

I opened the front door and saw my dance teacher there. I did a double-take.

"Ready?" He asked enthusiastically.

"I just have to put on my shoes," I said.

We reached the terrace.

You are always ready," he said,"but today there is no water and no music system."

"My domestic help is off today," I said and quickly got everything ready.

We danced and danced. I went left instead of right. I felt giddy after rapid turns. (I had not had my coffee). I began to feel like that the class would never end.

"I am not leaving till you manage to do the steps in the right sequence."

I started to get a desperate feeling. Disorientation was setting in. If I had to do everything correctly it would take many days.

At 7:45 AM he suddenly said "why are you not saying you have to get ready to go to work? "

" I am off today."

"Off?" He said, "Is there Coronavirus in your clinic area?"

"Oh no, " I said,  "Today is Sunday".

"Sunday? Sunday?" He was incredulous. " I thought our class was on Saturday!"

"It is," I said, "You didn't come."

As this occurred frequently (I didn't say that loudly) I had not really bothered when he did not show up on Saturday. I was actually surprised that he turned up so promptly for a "make-up" class.

"I don't remember," He said, "what did I do? It was yesterday??

He looked at me accusingly like I was fudging the day.

 "This wretched lockdown! What happened to Saturday??"

Dr Gita Mathai

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thief

Thief

There is a partially constructed temple on the road to my house. It is a work which has been "in progress" for many years. A large crowd was gathered in front of it this morning, with no masks or social distancing.

Intrigued, I stopped the car.

"What happened?" I asked.

There is a fairly large house down the road. It is constructed in the "old style", with three bedrooms and a kitchen around an enclosed but open courtyard. The summer heat made the family sleep in the courtyard with their bedrooms open.

This year the unbearable heat made them buy air conditioners. The brothers all locked themselves in the bedrooms with their families.

A thief had apparently been scouting the house. He broke in last night.

"A thief got into the house. He climbed in and out via the roof and courtyard "said a bystander.

It was difficult to make out anything because of the cacophony.

" Have you told the police?" I asked. "The thief can't have gone far. The Corona police are everywhere."

The entire battalion set off for the Bagaaym police station, three on each bike, no helmets or masks.

They were stopped at the first check post. The policeman whipped out his "swipe machine.:' His eyes lit up as he calculated the fine collection.

Finally, he realized that they were saying  "thief, and police station." It did not help that all of them spoke together.

"They need to go to the police station," said one of the officers.

The other one said  'We will be questioned about all this. Three to a bike, no mask---"They looked at the youngest and thinnest constable.

"You go and see what happened."

He arrived with the crowd.

One vocal woman told him, " A thief came." She got excited and wiped her sweat with the pallav of her sari. Since that was not enough, she used the mask she was wearing around her neck for good measure. She said proudly, "we bought air conditioners. The rooms were locked. He could not enter."

The policeman was puzzled.

"Then what?"

She leaned forward, "the kitchen was open. He entered that."

Perhaps they kept their jewellery in the kitchen?

"What did he take?" Asked the policeman.

"He took the gas cylinder."

One of the brothers stepped forward helpfully," it was almost empty, so he could carry it easily."

The policeman shouted "donkeys!! you idiots brought me all the way here for an empty gas cylinder? I'll fine all of you for not wearing masks!"

The crowd melted away.

I felt sorry for the thief's wife. In these days of lockdown, pay cuts and job losses her incompetent  husband didn't even bring home a full gas cylinder!"

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Disappearing Days

Disappearing Days
I opened the front door when the bell rang and saw my dance teacher there. I did a double-take.
"Ready?" He asked enthusiastically.
"I just have to put on my shoes," I said.
We reached the terrace.
You are always ready," he said,"but today there is no water and no music system. What happened to you?"
"My domestic help is off today," I said and quickly got everything ready.
We danced and danced. I went left instead of right. I felt giddy after rapid turns. (I had not had my coffee). I began to feel like that the class would never end.
"I am not leaving till you manage to do the steps in the right sequence."
I started to get a desperate feeling. Disorientation was setting in. If I had to do everything correctly it would surely take many days.
At 7:45 AM he suddenly said "why are you not saying you have to get ready to go to work? "
" I am off today."
"Off?" He said, "Is there Coronavirus in your clinic area?"
"Oh no, " I said,  "Today is Sunday".
"Sunday? Sunday?" He was incredulous. " I thought our class was on Saturday!"
"It is," I said, "You didn't come."
As this occurred frequently (I didn't say that loudly) I had not really bothered when he did not show up on Saturday. I was actually surprised that he turned up so promptly for a "make-up" class.
"I don't remember," He said, "what did I do? It was yesterday??"
He looked at me accusingly like I was fudging the day.
 "This wretched lockdown! What happened to Saturday??"
Dr Gita Mathai
http://velloretimes.blogspot.in/

tribal archer

Lock down blues

I took up archery in March just before the lockdown. Fortunately, my beginner's bow and 6 arrows arrived before the lockdown started. I had two classes and then the instructor couldn't come. Left to fend for myself I watched youtube videos to hone my technique.

"You need to shoot 10000 arrows before you become proficient," said Lars Anderson, the most incredible archer I have seen. (I have not seen too many, but he seemed as good as William Tel)l.

I managed to break an arrow. Another went into the garden and disappeared for good.

Left with only four arrows, I got tired of retrieving them.

I wrote to several websites Amazon, Flipkart, Decathalon for arrows.

"NO No No" they said, "we can only ship essential items.

Who decides if arrows are essential or not? High-calorie cookies, however, were classified as essential!

Finally my teacher, after listening to my constant wailing said, "I have found a tribal. He makes arrows ."

"Out of what ?" I asked.

"Bamboo."

"But, I protested, "the bamboo market is closed."

I did not add that it was lucky for me. When the market is closed the area is wide enough to drive through. I can reach my clinic bypassing the COVID police barriers. It cuts 6 km from my drive.

"You have bamboo trees growing along your perimeter. He will cut it from that.

He arrived a day later with the dirtiest man I have seen of indeterminate age. He smelled like an overripe jackfruit. He wore a loincloth, turban and several bead chains. He also had a new clean mask on. I doubt that any self -respecting virus would go anywhere near him!

"I got him the mask," said the instructor.

"How did you come? What about the check posts?"

Apparently, the drove along the base of the hills around Bagayam from whichever jungle this man came from.

He demonstrated his shooting technique. He used archery to catch fish. He had a string tied to the end of his arrow and a very ordinary-looking bamboo bow. Not like my hitech expensive fancy one. He caught fish from a pond with this device. Once he hit the fish he just pulled it out with the string!

I don't know how he corrected for refractive error or the shooter's paradox. Arrows don't go straight,they travel in a parabola. I was lost in admiration.

He came to the clinic a few hours later, sat down in a corner of the waiting room and proceeded to make arrows. A ripe odour filled the clinic.

Without being told, patients tied their masks around the noses and not on their mouths and chins. They maintained social distancing and then some. I did not have to keep coming out of my room saying "mask, mask! All alternate chairs have to left empty!"

He finished work by evening.

"Pay him," I told the manager. "we need to put him on the payroll. He will be coming every two months."

"what's his name?"

I had no idea. "Write Ragu," I said "it is a nice neutral name."

"What about his Adhaar no?" asked the manager.

He didn't appear to have an Adhaar card, But he had a cell phone, which he used dexterously though he could not read or write.

"Just write down his cell number everywhere," I said, "if the government comes sniffing around, let them track down his Adhaar number! After all, that is the way we are planning to contact him."

I have still not received my arrows from Decathalon. With the extension of the lockdown, I guess I will be dealing with Raghu for some time to come.

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covid tales

Covid Tales

Covid Tales
The government enthusiastically started widening the road leading to Arni from Vellore. They erected cement dividers. Unfortunately with the spread of corona virus and lockdown the work has come to a standstill. erected barricades are present everywhere.
Returning from work, I saw a man sitting on the barricade. He has disheveled and dirty. He had a small plastic basin in his hand.
I stopped took out a ten rupee note and tried to put it in the basin.
He pulled the basin away.
"I am not a beggar," he said. “I work. I don’t want your charity.”
He looked like a beggar. I was bewildered.
"I can't work because of the Corona virus."
"Then why are you sitting here?" I asked.
"I am thinking of how to work."
Perhaps he was a decent man who had fallen on hard times. 45 days without work has even taken a toll on everyone even Reliance Industries. Perhaps I could give him some work? Not at home as I didn't want him to know where I live, but in the clinic??
"What work do you do?"
"I am a thief," he said. "I make a good living stealing. I am really good at my job. Unfortunately now people are in their houses all the time, night and day. The lights are always on. And, don't get me started on the police barricades. Every one kilometer, they have blocked the road. How," he paused for effect, "is a hardworking thief to earn a living and support his family?"

lockdown

Stuck at home with no work, no personal trainers and only Netflix for company, I decided that my brain and body would drastically deteriorate if I did not do something. A car left switched off or a long time invariably has starting trouble!  Already I was sleeping earlier, getting up later, siesta in the afternoon-- An incredible 9-10 hours in sleep alone!!
My daughter had an idea. You can learn stuff online, almost anything you want. It is this incredible online site called "Udemy".
I  decided to investigate the matter and tried to sign up for "Python Bootcamp". It sounded like army special forces training. As I listened to the free introductory lecture, which made no sense whatsoever, I realized that it was some sort of computer thing to make applications and games.
Disappointed, I started over. Aha, I found something under martial arts and  enthusiastically signed up for 'Krav Maga Core Combatives."
After lesson one, I realized that you needed a "fall guy." A partner who would stand immobile with his punch inches away from your face while you craned your neck to look at the laptop screen to figure out your next move. Even worse was the attack from the back. While you thought, understood, digested and moved, the poor man had to stay stationary.
I had no partner. I could not ask my gardener to help. In these days of lockdown I was just grateful that he turned up to chase the snakes out of my garden. I was on thin ice. He might quit the job if I asked him to stand indefinitely with his arm outstretched.
I remembered my punching buddy. He stands perfectly still, bounces back with enthusiasm and even falls down when required. He has only one leg with no knee joint, so my move kicking his knee is a little tricky and leaves a great deal to the imagination. He never says a word of complaint. Maybe because he cannot see or hear?
Classes are now progressing satisfactorily. I can decimate any blind, deaf armless, one-legged opponent with ease.
Please check out his photo.
Dr Gita Mathai
http://velloretimes.blogspot.in/

lockdown

My husband lives in Hyderabad and I live in Vellore. This has become necessary because of our divergent career paths. He wants to be in academics, I want to write, learn several martial arts and see a few patients in the time left over.

We met every weekend for the last seven years. Ther is something surreal about that. All the little niggling faults with made life together on a daily basis just about bearable without an explosion are bathed in a rosy hue. It also made the 15 kilos of dirty laundry that he brought a gift for me every weekend tolerable.

Then COVID struck.

Husband has been stuck in Hyderabad since March.

"How are you managing for food?" I asked. Are you able to get Swiggy?" (He used to take frozen food packets from Vellore.)

"No there is no Swiggy. "

"Of course there is," I said.

"My fancy apartment complex will not allow delivery."

"What about getting it delivered to your office?"

Apparently, his wards had been commandeered and made into a COVID ward. The delivery boys refused to come.

"How are you managing for clothes?"

"Do you know," he said, "I have enough clothes to manage for a month without washing. They are lifting the lockdown on April 14th."

The government extended the lockdown and the cloths situation started spiralling out of control.

"Do you think," he asked hopefully, "I can air out my clothes? We used to do that when we were in the NCC."

No wonder even parents did not hug NCC cadets when they returned from camps but greeted them a arm's length.

"You were younger then. Now you if you do that, when you enter the room people will start looking around for the over-ripe jackfruit!"

We decided that he should start doing his own laundry. I decided to guide him through the process using What's App video. The only problem was that the laundry room did not have good Wi-Fi signal. At every stage, he kept bounding into the hall like a jack rabbit.

"It won't come on."

"Press buttons 1 and 4."

"it still doesn't work. "

"Press in sequence after switching on the plug."

"It still doesn't work."

Exasperated I said ,"Did you turn on the water?"

"Why are you yelling," he asked, "you didn't say the tap has to be turned on!"

Finally, when the cycle was over, he said,"The clothes are still dirty."

He was beginning to sound like some of my older female patients who still felt that "hand wash" was better than "machine wash" and that the washing machine was an unfriendly alien surreptitiously waiting to destroy their clothes.

"Did you put in the detergent?"

"No," he said "you didn't ask me to. You don't know how to give instructions. This is all very complicated."

 (Did I mention he has a PhD?)

So it was my fault?

He had a brilliant solution.

"The roads are opening up on May 3rd. I will drive to Vellore with all the dirty laundry piled into the car."

I think he might just make it. No self-respecting policeman is going to want to venture too close to the car to check the validity of travel documents. The sheer odour will be overpowering.

Dr Gita Mathai

 http://velloretimes.blogspot.in/

stealing during the Covid lockdown

It definitely was cause and effect. The roads had barricades manned by baton-wielding policemen. Where so many police turned up from for a small town like Vellore is a mystery. I seldom see them otherwise even when you need them.

The traffic accidents were less. mainly because there has to be traffic for accidents. Chain snatching (very common) was unheard of. Women wearing chains have to be on the road and not in their houses to be attacked. Technically though, describing an assailant would be difficult because of the universal use of face masks. They are no longer the purview of highwaymen and bank robbers.

I stand on my terrace every morning and look at the empty road below, bereft of walkers and bikes. For the last four days, I have been regularly seeing a white Vespa. It stops at a demarcated "plot for sale" down the road, and the man removes a single 3 foot granite boundary marker. He then balances it on the bike and goes off.

Today was Sunday and the fourth day. He turned up at 6:30 am on schedule. After he left,  I was drinking coffee when I heard a man banging on the gate. A white car was parked outside. I shouted from a safe 10-foot distance (my mask was upstairs),"What is it?"
"Did you see anyone?"
"Not really," I said, "this is a deserted mud dead-end road."
"Someone has stolen four of my granite poles," said the man irately.
"Oh yes," I said " a man has been taking them one at a time every day. I thought they were his. I thought he was the owner. "
" I am the owner!! Why didn't you stop him?"
I looked at him.
"With that mask, you and he look the same. Except", I said helpfully, " he also has a crash helmet."
"What do you think he was doing?" asked the man.
"Perhaps constructing a gate to  his house---- Why don't you go to the police?"
At the barricade, the irate policeman screamed at him, " I am standing here for 12 hours trying to prevent people from spreading the Coronavirus and dying. And you want me to chase down granite poles?"
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A woman was raped last month behind the Vellore fort. There is a road at the back there with a gate which allows access to the fort grounds. It is hardly ever opened. The area has been notorious for miscreants, drug dealers, pimps and drunkards for the last 50 years. No one goes there after dark.
This lady and her boyfriend went there at night, were attacked by a juvenile( what are juveniles coming to these days?), a lorry driver and cleaner. While he ran away to find "help" she was attacked and raped. She survived, identified her attackers and they are in jail. The paramour seems to have disappeared.
This was the hot topic of conversation everywhere. As usual, "girls are not safe." Any excuse to cut short their education and their chance for a better independent life. "They should stay at home after puberty."
My Silambam class starts at 4:30 in the morning on the terrace. As I was waving my sword around, the master shouted "stop! I hear something."
Once I stopped concentrating on the sword hitting me, I heard it too.
"B---rd! " shouted a female voice. This was followed by a female scream.
Master said, "I keep advising parents to teach their daughters martial arts! No one listens. See what happened in the Vellore fort! Now, where is this noise coming from? Some lady is being attacked. "
The entire road was dark. Only one other house had lights on. I knew the people who lived there. Fortunately, I had their phone number. Icalled.
A sleepy voice picked up.
"Are you okay? I can hear the screams from your house. The light  is on."
"Oh " She said, "I am in Delhi. Can you go and see  what is happening? If you don't mind."
Master has a new weapon, a retractable Nunchaku. He has been dying to try it out. I picked up my swords. We s walked towards the house.
The lights went off as we neared.
This was worrying.
"I will run there, " said master, "you can slowly limp at the back."
As we reached the gate my phone rang.
"I am so sorry, " said the lady," it is nothing."
"Nothing?" I asked. I was beginning to suspect she was being held hostage. (Too many crime serials.)
"It is my son. He and his friends from college are having an all-night party. I will ask them to keep it down."
"It is not the noise bothering me," I said, :" are you sure everything is alright?"
Her dishevelled son opened the door. "Aunty " he said "Its alright."
Baulked of his pray master attacked the hedges and bushes all the way back.