weight loss

One of my patients was really happy around 25 years ago, when his parents after searching high and low, far and wide, found him a "suitable girl." He showed me her photograph. She looked like a little pumpkin balanced on two drumsticks with a small potato head.
"Very nice ," I said politely.
Despite her weight, they had no problem procreating, and she rapidly produced two children.
The problem was her was that her weight crept up with every pregnancy. She started her married life at 4 ft 11 inches and 78 kilos . Every year she increased by 2 kilos. This is not really much, but, finally, 25 years later she was 108 kilos.
She did not walk, she rolled along with under her voluminous garments like she had wheels.
"You need to lose weight," I said.
"Yes," said her husband enthusiastically. "The bed moves when she turns at night. I can't sleep."
She was not so convinced. "I am not so fat am I?"
I gave her a diet to follow and exercise.
A month later they were back. She had put on another 2 kilos.
"What happened to my diet and exercise?"I asked.
Arguments and counterarguments ensued.
"He won't walk  with me! How can I walk alone?"
I didn't really see why not. So I suggested a figure of 8 walking on the terrace.
"She won't get up," he said. "She walks slowly. I bump into her on the terrace."
"I will walk if you buy a treadmill and place it in front of the television."
He spend 50000 and bought her a state of the art treadmill.
They were back a month later. She was now 112 kilos.
He shouted, "she doesn't use the treadmill to walk. She dries  the clothes on it. She is too lazy to even walk to the terrace."
What happened to all the love?
"I could have bought a rope to dry clothes for 200," he shouted angrily.
We seemed to have reached an impasse.
"You have to motivate her," I told him.
They turned up a month later. She had lost 4 kilos.
"Fantastic, " I said,"how did this miracle occur?"
She simpered, "He promised me a sovereign of gold for every kilo. I am planning to lose 10 kilos."
They turned up a month later. She had a heavy chain around her neck and a pendant like a saucer. She was beaming.
"Doctor, today I am going to celebrate by eating a samosa."
"I don't think it is a good idea," I said.
I saw them in the supermarket four months later. She looked plumper than ever. The chain was missing.
"Where is your chain?" I asked.
"I put on all the weight and 2 kilos extra. He took the chain and returned it to the shop-----"
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making a tv serial

The owner of a local TV channel had been talking about making a serial for the last few months. It was going to be low budget production. He was going to act in it, one of his brothers was going to be the cameraman and the other was in charge of lighting. He was hoping to rake in money with the advertising revenue.
The story?
All about the travails of love in the time of the Coronavirus.
There was just a small hitch. Vellore is a small and conservative town. He was just unable to get two women to star as the Corona lovers.
"I wish this was Chennai! I would have been inundated with girls wanting to star in the serial. They might even have paid me!"
"Do you want them to pay  you for the privilege of acting?" I asked puzzled.
"That was my original idea." He said, "but now I am willing to pay them".
He finally found a young and pretty girl. Her diction was not too good. Her facial expressions left a great deal to the imagination. Other than contorting her face for anger, laughter and tears the same way she seemed to have no expressions. She also had a lag period.  After delivering the lines deadpan she changed her expression. Still, something was better than nothing.
Halfway through the first practice, her father turned up.
"She can't act on TV."
"But I want to be an actress," protested the potential heroine.
"You can't,' said the father " I am trying to arrange a marriage for you. How will it look if you are in love with someone else?"
The director protested, "she is not in love with anyone. It is acting."
He pulled her out of the room. She was barely able to collect her belongings.
The next girl was really good. She looked seductive and rolled her eyes and pouted her lips.
Halfway through the shoot a thin bespectacled man entered. He even had a concave chest.
"Come home immediately," he shouted, at the girl. "How dare you?" He turned angrily to the director. "She can act only if I am the hero."
The entire suspenseful romantic storyline was fast deteriorating into  a farce. He was not hero material. He looked like a wimpy nerd.
Then a middle-aged man turned up.
"We are not auditioning for the male roles," said the director.
"I am not here for the role. I am from XXX matrimonial site. This will be very good exposure for potential young men,."
"I want a woman," said the director, "it is a female role."
"I can't do anything," said the man," None of the girls who have registered want to act."
Just as the director was getting desperate,
Another woman turned up for the role. She was older and chubby.
" I have two children, " she said."I love to act"
She stroked the director's arm. He jumped back two feet.
Maybe with lighting and makeup, they could make her look the part?
"Perhaps your husband would like to come and watch?" asked the director hopefully, staying well out of reach.
"Oh no," She said "I am free because he is stuck in Noida. He doesn't like all this".  She rolled her eyes upward, "Thank you  Coronavirus!"

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saturday

I opened the front door and saw my dance teacher there. I did a double-take.

"Ready?" He asked enthusiastically.

"I just have to put on my shoes," I said.

We reached the terrace.

You are always ready," he said,"but today there is no water and no music system."

"My domestic help is off today," I said and quickly got everything ready.

We danced and danced. I went left instead of right. I felt giddy after rapid turns. (I had not had my coffee). I began to feel like that the class would never end.

"I am not leaving till you manage to do the steps in the right sequence."

I started to get a desperate feeling. Disorientation was setting in. If I had to do everything correctly it would take many days.

At 7:45 AM he suddenly said "why are you not saying you have to get ready to go to work? "

" I am off today."

"Off?" He said, "Is there Coronavirus in your clinic area?"

"Oh no, " I said,  "Today is Sunday".

"Sunday? Sunday?" He was incredulous. " I thought our class was on Saturday!"

"It is," I said, "You didn't come."

As this occurred frequently (I didn't say that loudly) I had not really bothered when he did not show up on Saturday. I was actually surprised that he turned up so promptly for a "make-up" class.

"I don't remember," He said, "what did I do? It was yesterday??

He looked at me accusingly like I was fudging the day.

 "This wretched lockdown! What happened to Saturday??"

Dr Gita Mathai

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thief

Thief

There is a partially constructed temple on the road to my house. It is a work which has been "in progress" for many years. A large crowd was gathered in front of it this morning, with no masks or social distancing.

Intrigued, I stopped the car.

"What happened?" I asked.

There is a fairly large house down the road. It is constructed in the "old style", with three bedrooms and a kitchen around an enclosed but open courtyard. The summer heat made the family sleep in the courtyard with their bedrooms open.

This year the unbearable heat made them buy air conditioners. The brothers all locked themselves in the bedrooms with their families.

A thief had apparently been scouting the house. He broke in last night.

"A thief got into the house. He climbed in and out via the roof and courtyard "said a bystander.

It was difficult to make out anything because of the cacophony.

" Have you told the police?" I asked. "The thief can't have gone far. The Corona police are everywhere."

The entire battalion set off for the Bagaaym police station, three on each bike, no helmets or masks.

They were stopped at the first check post. The policeman whipped out his "swipe machine.:' His eyes lit up as he calculated the fine collection.

Finally, he realized that they were saying  "thief, and police station." It did not help that all of them spoke together.

"They need to go to the police station," said one of the officers.

The other one said  'We will be questioned about all this. Three to a bike, no mask---"They looked at the youngest and thinnest constable.

"You go and see what happened."

He arrived with the crowd.

One vocal woman told him, " A thief came." She got excited and wiped her sweat with the pallav of her sari. Since that was not enough, she used the mask she was wearing around her neck for good measure. She said proudly, "we bought air conditioners. The rooms were locked. He could not enter."

The policeman was puzzled.

"Then what?"

She leaned forward, "the kitchen was open. He entered that."

Perhaps they kept their jewellery in the kitchen?

"What did he take?" Asked the policeman.

"He took the gas cylinder."

One of the brothers stepped forward helpfully," it was almost empty, so he could carry it easily."

The policeman shouted "donkeys!! you idiots brought me all the way here for an empty gas cylinder? I'll fine all of you for not wearing masks!"

The crowd melted away.

I felt sorry for the thief's wife. In these days of lockdown, pay cuts and job losses her incompetent  husband didn't even bring home a full gas cylinder!"

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Disappearing Days

Disappearing Days
I opened the front door when the bell rang and saw my dance teacher there. I did a double-take.
"Ready?" He asked enthusiastically.
"I just have to put on my shoes," I said.
We reached the terrace.
You are always ready," he said,"but today there is no water and no music system. What happened to you?"
"My domestic help is off today," I said and quickly got everything ready.
We danced and danced. I went left instead of right. I felt giddy after rapid turns. (I had not had my coffee). I began to feel like that the class would never end.
"I am not leaving till you manage to do the steps in the right sequence."
I started to get a desperate feeling. Disorientation was setting in. If I had to do everything correctly it would surely take many days.
At 7:45 AM he suddenly said "why are you not saying you have to get ready to go to work? "
" I am off today."
"Off?" He said, "Is there Coronavirus in your clinic area?"
"Oh no, " I said,  "Today is Sunday".
"Sunday? Sunday?" He was incredulous. " I thought our class was on Saturday!"
"It is," I said, "You didn't come."
As this occurred frequently (I didn't say that loudly) I had not really bothered when he did not show up on Saturday. I was actually surprised that he turned up so promptly for a "make-up" class.
"I don't remember," He said, "what did I do? It was yesterday??"
He looked at me accusingly like I was fudging the day.
 "This wretched lockdown! What happened to Saturday??"
Dr Gita Mathai
http://velloretimes.blogspot.in/

tribal archer

Lock down blues

I took up archery in March just before the lockdown. Fortunately, my beginner's bow and 6 arrows arrived before the lockdown started. I had two classes and then the instructor couldn't come. Left to fend for myself I watched youtube videos to hone my technique.

"You need to shoot 10000 arrows before you become proficient," said Lars Anderson, the most incredible archer I have seen. (I have not seen too many, but he seemed as good as William Tel)l.

I managed to break an arrow. Another went into the garden and disappeared for good.

Left with only four arrows, I got tired of retrieving them.

I wrote to several websites Amazon, Flipkart, Decathalon for arrows.

"NO No No" they said, "we can only ship essential items.

Who decides if arrows are essential or not? High-calorie cookies, however, were classified as essential!

Finally my teacher, after listening to my constant wailing said, "I have found a tribal. He makes arrows ."

"Out of what ?" I asked.

"Bamboo."

"But, I protested, "the bamboo market is closed."

I did not add that it was lucky for me. When the market is closed the area is wide enough to drive through. I can reach my clinic bypassing the COVID police barriers. It cuts 6 km from my drive.

"You have bamboo trees growing along your perimeter. He will cut it from that.

He arrived a day later with the dirtiest man I have seen of indeterminate age. He smelled like an overripe jackfruit. He wore a loincloth, turban and several bead chains. He also had a new clean mask on. I doubt that any self -respecting virus would go anywhere near him!

"I got him the mask," said the instructor.

"How did you come? What about the check posts?"

Apparently, the drove along the base of the hills around Bagayam from whichever jungle this man came from.

He demonstrated his shooting technique. He used archery to catch fish. He had a string tied to the end of his arrow and a very ordinary-looking bamboo bow. Not like my hitech expensive fancy one. He caught fish from a pond with this device. Once he hit the fish he just pulled it out with the string!

I don't know how he corrected for refractive error or the shooter's paradox. Arrows don't go straight,they travel in a parabola. I was lost in admiration.

He came to the clinic a few hours later, sat down in a corner of the waiting room and proceeded to make arrows. A ripe odour filled the clinic.

Without being told, patients tied their masks around the noses and not on their mouths and chins. They maintained social distancing and then some. I did not have to keep coming out of my room saying "mask, mask! All alternate chairs have to left empty!"

He finished work by evening.

"Pay him," I told the manager. "we need to put him on the payroll. He will be coming every two months."

"what's his name?"

I had no idea. "Write Ragu," I said "it is a nice neutral name."

"What about his Adhaar no?" asked the manager.

He didn't appear to have an Adhaar card, But he had a cell phone, which he used dexterously though he could not read or write.

"Just write down his cell number everywhere," I said, "if the government comes sniffing around, let them track down his Adhaar number! After all, that is the way we are planning to contact him."

I have still not received my arrows from Decathalon. With the extension of the lockdown, I guess I will be dealing with Raghu for some time to come.

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covid tales

Covid Tales

Covid Tales
The government enthusiastically started widening the road leading to Arni from Vellore. They erected cement dividers. Unfortunately with the spread of corona virus and lockdown the work has come to a standstill. erected barricades are present everywhere.
Returning from work, I saw a man sitting on the barricade. He has disheveled and dirty. He had a small plastic basin in his hand.
I stopped took out a ten rupee note and tried to put it in the basin.
He pulled the basin away.
"I am not a beggar," he said. “I work. I don’t want your charity.”
He looked like a beggar. I was bewildered.
"I can't work because of the Corona virus."
"Then why are you sitting here?" I asked.
"I am thinking of how to work."
Perhaps he was a decent man who had fallen on hard times. 45 days without work has even taken a toll on everyone even Reliance Industries. Perhaps I could give him some work? Not at home as I didn't want him to know where I live, but in the clinic??
"What work do you do?"
"I am a thief," he said. "I make a good living stealing. I am really good at my job. Unfortunately now people are in their houses all the time, night and day. The lights are always on. And, don't get me started on the police barricades. Every one kilometer, they have blocked the road. How," he paused for effect, "is a hardworking thief to earn a living and support his family?"